Resolutions I Can Live With

Since January 1 is national make a “list of things I’m not going to do this year” day, I figured I’d make January 2nd the “list of things I’m actually probably going to do this year, and if I don’t, I won’t be too disappointed in myself” day. Without further adieu, here’s my list, make your own!  <– but don’t feel pressure to do this, because like, I’m not trying to give you a resolution that you’ll break. It’s just a light suggestion that you can easily ignore and not feel guilty about! Yay, you’re welcome.

1. Make spending $8.62 a month worth it by utilizing my Netflix account more often than I did in 2013
2. Order things on Amazon all year round, don’t try and make the Prime membership payment worth it just in December. Order that tax free retail with free shipping like it’s going out of style!* (Which it is, because soon the government will close in on this lost revenue stream…obviously.)
3. Continue to compulsively check your bank accounts. This is actually a really good habit. Making sure there are no fraudulent charges – thank you Target! – and keeping bills up to date, those are quality practices. Go me! So like, don’t stop being obsessive about this, k thanks.
4. Actively participate in at least one, not necessarily scheduled, Google Hangout or Skype sesh. I say not necessarily scheduled, because we all know I panic and bail when things are scheduled. And I don’t want me to feel the pressure of having to schedule one, necessarily, but maybe. But only if I’m feeling up to it, OH DEAR I’M PANICKING TAKE A DEEP BREATH, ok all good here. So yeah, there are people on opposite coasts, and farther up north, and way down south who maybe deserve to be able to reprimand your behavior face to face since they put up with your constant whining and crises and all.
5. Talk yourself out of a lot of good ideas, but nothing too life changing (I hope). Like, out of lunches, and Skype dates with friends, and networking events that you payed for, and going out on Friday nights, and buying plane tickets, and trips to Greece. No seriously, you had a lot of good ideas in 2013, but you were right, some of them might have been scary…though I’m not sure why…so it’s a really good thing you talked yourself out of them! Be sure to talk your way, and yourself, out of a few of these in 2014!
6. Finish a few of the books that I’ve half started. And half start a few more!
7. Don’t go to the gym. [check] But do actually get physical exercise on the farm. As per usual. But ride more for sure, please, maybe? Maybe even get a fitbit since you’re jealous of the ones you bought Mom and Eldest Brother. Ok go ahead, check off #2 as you order that fitbit!
8.  Play with dogs.
9. Nap. With dogs.
10. Eat food. Most likely food that someone else prepared, but maybe a few times this year cook something. No wait stop, preparing food is good enough. You can prepare food and we’ll count that as cooking this year.
11. Get even better at surfing…internet surfing. You know, share valuable things that enlighten and teach people things, like this.
12. Procrastinate semi-important things, by doing completely unimportant things, like writing blog posts…whatever makes you happy, ammiright?!
13. Avoid cracks in the sidewalks. I mean really, isn’t this the most important #13 on any list ever?
14. Obey the five second rule…but only loosely, allowing ten to fifteen seconds, as needed.
15. Take more pictures. This one sounds like a real resolution, it might actually be. But if I don’t take more pictures, I won’t be too upset with myself, so it’s ok, and is therefore meant for this list.
16. Continue letting my hair grow. It’s super tempting to chop off my been-growing-for-a-year-since-I-went-pixie hair again, but I want it to be long eventually. So, I should like, not cut it…too much. Probably. Even though it’s super tempting since my spirit animal chopped hers off too. Grrrr HOLD FAST ANNA. YOU CAN DO THIS.
17. Write a lot of lists. Every day. Task lists. Lists of reasons why I like lists. Lists on lists on lists. And share them here, because I know for a fact that EVERYONE loves lists. Obviously.

Please forgive the constant and inexcusable switching between 1st, 3rd, 2nd, 4th, and 5th person. Writing a list to, for, and at myself was complicated, ok?

*Also, let’s review: “like it’s going out of style” doesn’t always make sense, because if something is going out of style, why would you stockpile it? Like, I will have a whole bunch of things that are not going to be in style soon! Yay me for being outdated! (Which don’t get me wrong, normally I’m outdated, but that doesn’t excuse this phrase for not making complete sense, however in this post’s use it makes perfect sense thank you very much.)

You Know, it’s Funny Though

You see, last night, my boyfriend called me paranoid for not wanting to go to the gas station alone at night. He was joking around with me, saying that it’s not like we live in [insert dangerous country name here]. He was joking. And I was dead serious. I wasn’t going to the gas station, even though my car was lower on gas than I prefer…because I was scared.

Maybe I WAS being paranoid. Maybe, perhaps, the well-lit gas station by my brother’s house is indeed perfectly safe. Perhaps there are no instances of crime, and no one would in fact try to abduct or rob me. Perhaps no one would look at me, talk to me, harm me, or even interact with me. Perhaps no one would even be there. Perhaps no one has ever been abducted from a gas station in the United States. Perhaps I have a larger chance of winning the lottery than having something bad happen to me at that particular gas station.

Oh wait.

Just yesterday, a man was shot at the gas station near my work in an attempted robbery.

I distinctly remember hearing news reports of people targeting women at gas stations who leave their purses in the passenger seats by snatching the purses while the women are on the opposite side of the car.

I remember growing up hearing stories of gas station car-jackings where children were taken while their parents were paying for gas.

Yes. I’m paranoid. But I was raised by a paranoid mother who wants nothing more than to equip me with the knowledge and safety know-how to keep me out of harm’s way. Yes. Maybe I’m paranoid. But perhaps, perhaps I’m mildly justified.

Not justified based on the percent chance that I’ll actually get harmed. But justified in knowing that if I did, it would be my fault. It would be my own damn fault for not being careful enough. For going out alone at night. Everyone knows a woman shouldn’t do that. Everyone apparently, except my boyfriend. Because why would he? his mother raised 3 boys. He didn’t hear the constant nagging stories reminding him what to do when he gets abducted. He didn’t have fights with his mother centered solely on the fact that she didn’t want him driving to his brother’s house because it was already dark outside and maybe someone would intentionally rear-end him and then kill him, because he was a woman alone in a vehicle. Because apparently that happens?

I don’t know what exactly my point is, I just think…I don’t know. You know, it’s just funny though. It’s funny that the boy who opens my doors and switches sides with me on the street to keep himself between me and sketchy folks, and wouldn’t consider letting me walk to my car alone at night, thinks I’m paranoid for not going to the gas station.

Do I Look Happy?

Here, how ’bout now?

Does this dress make me look thin?

Oh look! People liked it when I said something kind of witty…now I have to wait until tomorrow and put up something else moderately witty, otherwise people will stop thinking I’m funny. And I wouldn’t want that.

How about now, does my life look perfect? Look at how much fun I’m having!

Aren’t you jealous? Wait, but not actually jealous, I don’t want you to really be jealous. You’re just joking jealous, right? Because, like, I promise, my life really isn’t that perfect or pretty or exciting. It just looks that way, because well, who is going to put up their ugly sh*t and air dirty laundry. I mean, we all have those friends that do, but no one wants to be like them. We talk sh*t about them, right? So here, take another picture of us smiling before we go back to talking about how much we hate our lives while eating our comfort food to get us through the fact that we don’t feel loved.

She looks better in that picture than me, so I won’t put it up. Well at least I won’t tag her. Dammit, someone tagged her. I should take it down. Should I take it down? No, that’s ridiculous.

Do I look fat in that bathing suit? Wait, am I worried about the fact that you’ve now all seen me half naked? Hmm, not really. Should I be? Probably. I feel weird about this now. Oh well. I’ll let it go. Here’s a picture of my puppy to compensate.

Nobody liked that post. Maybe no one saw it. Maybe I should delete it and post it again at a better time. Maybe people saw it and no one cared. Maybe they didn’t like it. Maybe they just didn’t care. Oh God, no one cares. I don’t even care. Wait, why do I care?

Hurry quick, someone tell me I look pretty, otherwise all of my insecurities will be validated and I’ll end up forever alone.