Resolutions I Can Live With

Since January 1 is national make a “list of things I’m not going to do this year” day, I figured I’d make January 2nd the “list of things I’m actually probably going to do this year, and if I don’t, I won’t be too disappointed in myself” day. Without further adieu, here’s my list, make your own!  <– but don’t feel pressure to do this, because like, I’m not trying to give you a resolution that you’ll break. It’s just a light suggestion that you can easily ignore and not feel guilty about! Yay, you’re welcome.

1. Make spending $8.62 a month worth it by utilizing my Netflix account more often than I did in 2013
2. Order things on Amazon all year round, don’t try and make the Prime membership payment worth it just in December. Order that tax free retail with free shipping like it’s going out of style!* (Which it is, because soon the government will close in on this lost revenue stream…obviously.)
3. Continue to compulsively check your bank accounts. This is actually a really good habit. Making sure there are no fraudulent charges – thank you Target! – and keeping bills up to date, those are quality practices. Go me! So like, don’t stop being obsessive about this, k thanks.
4. Actively participate in at least one, not necessarily scheduled, Google Hangout or Skype sesh. I say not necessarily scheduled, because we all know I panic and bail when things are scheduled. And I don’t want me to feel the pressure of having to schedule one, necessarily, but maybe. But only if I’m feeling up to it, OH DEAR I’M PANICKING TAKE A DEEP BREATH, ok all good here. So yeah, there are people on opposite coasts, and farther up north, and way down south who maybe deserve to be able to reprimand your behavior face to face since they put up with your constant whining and crises and all.
5. Talk yourself out of a lot of good ideas, but nothing too life changing (I hope). Like, out of lunches, and Skype dates with friends, and networking events that you payed for, and going out on Friday nights, and buying plane tickets, and trips to Greece. No seriously, you had a lot of good ideas in 2013, but you were right, some of them might have been scary…though I’m not sure why…so it’s a really good thing you talked yourself out of them! Be sure to talk your way, and yourself, out of a few of these in 2014!
6. Finish a few of the books that I’ve half started. And half start a few more!
7. Don’t go to the gym. [check] But do actually get physical exercise on the farm. As per usual. But ride more for sure, please, maybe? Maybe even get a fitbit since you’re jealous of the ones you bought Mom and Eldest Brother. Ok go ahead, check off #2 as you order that fitbit!
8.  Play with dogs.
9. Nap. With dogs.
10. Eat food. Most likely food that someone else prepared, but maybe a few times this year cook something. No wait stop, preparing food is good enough. You can prepare food and we’ll count that as cooking this year.
11. Get even better at surfing…internet surfing. You know, share valuable things that enlighten and teach people things, like this.
12. Procrastinate semi-important things, by doing completely unimportant things, like writing blog posts…whatever makes you happy, ammiright?!
13. Avoid cracks in the sidewalks. I mean really, isn’t this the most important #13 on any list ever?
14. Obey the five second rule…but only loosely, allowing ten to fifteen seconds, as needed.
15. Take more pictures. This one sounds like a real resolution, it might actually be. But if I don’t take more pictures, I won’t be too upset with myself, so it’s ok, and is therefore meant for this list.
16. Continue letting my hair grow. It’s super tempting to chop off my been-growing-for-a-year-since-I-went-pixie hair again, but I want it to be long eventually. So, I should like, not cut it…too much. Probably. Even though it’s super tempting since my spirit animal chopped hers off too. Grrrr HOLD FAST ANNA. YOU CAN DO THIS.
17. Write a lot of lists. Every day. Task lists. Lists of reasons why I like lists. Lists on lists on lists. And share them here, because I know for a fact that EVERYONE loves lists. Obviously.

Please forgive the constant and inexcusable switching between 1st, 3rd, 2nd, 4th, and 5th person. Writing a list to, for, and at myself was complicated, ok?

*Also, let’s review: “like it’s going out of style” doesn’t always make sense, because if something is going out of style, why would you stockpile it? Like, I will have a whole bunch of things that are not going to be in style soon! Yay me for being outdated! (Which don’t get me wrong, normally I’m outdated, but that doesn’t excuse this phrase for not making complete sense, however in this post’s use it makes perfect sense thank you very much.)

I Seem to Have Lost My Ability to Conversate

See what I did there? No? Conversate? It’s not a real word. I know what you’re thinking, “but wait, Toby Keith totally uses it in a song, it MUST be real!” No, it’s not. But if you Google “literally” it now gives us the definition of figurative, so that’s cool. Thank you Parks and Rec! Which is literally the best show currently on television.

Anyhow. Somewhere in between graduation and present day (presumably on the day of graduation, actually), I became a significantly less interesting version of my former self. I spent the entirety of my competent years in school up to that point. All of them. So naturally, most of my conversations (must have) occurred around school, or interesting topics garnered whilst at school.

When I got hit by lightning a few years ago, I believed that I had reached peek levels of interesting. And, determined that I would plateau there. However, instead of holding steady, I seem to be making a sharp decline. And I suspect the only way to recover from the decline is to earn a shark bite. Gator bites would only impress out-of-towners, in Florida, a Gator bite would just make me an idiot…probably an idiot with a dog. But shark bites, those are universally impressive. Even to the natives.

Anyhow, now that I’m done trivializing serious animal attacks, that in fact do occur (forgive me Father for I have sinned), let’s carry on.

With friends, not just peers, but legitimate friends, my conversations have become completely limited to talking about the guys/gals that we are either dating, want to be dating, or have dated. When we start getting married, we’re all screwed for conversation points, unless the others agree to let us constantly b*tch or brag. Which is just not happening. Imagine how difficult it must be for me to meet people and hold actual conversations with them.

Are you imagining it? It’s difficult.

Picture me on a first date. Oh look, it’s Anna sitting at dinner…rambling…wait I can almost make out what she’s saying. Is…is she talking about an ex? Wait, did she just mention some guy she absolutely adores? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? STOP IT. STOP TALKING.

See, that wouldn’t go over so well. So then, obviously, background research seems like a viable preventative measure to awkward conversation. #not

But let’s be honest, in this day and age, if you haven’t Googled the sh*t out of me before we meet, you’re like…alone. Everyone Facebook stalks the sh*t out of people, it’s just not ok to admit it out loud. I’M ADMITTING IT OUT LOUD. If I know we are going to meet, I’ve probably investigated you. I feel weird about it…but only when we actually meet face-to-face. Up to that point, it seems totally normal. And then I’m like…well eff, now what am I supposed to say to them. I know everything about them, and we’ve never met…and what if I accidentally imply that I know something during small talk?! OH MY GOD DON’T SPEAK. JUST STARE. BLANK STARE. Sh*t, you nodded when he said he has a brother. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW THESE THINGS. OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST SAY, “Yeah, he was head line monitor, right?” DID YOU JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD? Or how about the all too quick response to “I work at ____,” where I casually responded with, “oh yeah, we renovated their new office.” YOU COULD NOT HAVE REMEMBERED THAT SO QUICKLY. IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO RECALL THAT MINOR DETAIL SO EFFORTLESSLY. JUST STOP TALKING. Oh great…yeah that’s working, just go ahead and lie now. Yeah, yeah, sure you haven’t seen that picture, LIAR!

FACEBOOK (and the collective internet) HAS RUINED MY LIFE. Or at least caused me to have to put some serious effort into not looking like a stalker. Which is just exhausting. And I have asthma…so, ain’t nobody got time for that!

How about when I have not done background research, and I meet a new person that I can’t talk about dating with. Or school with. Or work with. Basically it means I’m screwed. Thank God for football season. (And no, I don’t care if you don’t like sports, we are still going to talk about them, even in the context of you simply not liking them…see at least we’re saying things at each other’s faces now.)

I used to have coherent conversations. They used to have a point. They used to be interesting. Now, I find myself rambling (or writing) about nothing, or accidentally revealing that I’m a total creep. Or even worse, sitting in awkward silence. I’ve lost it. I’ve lost my ability to conversate.

Do I Look Happy?

Here, how ’bout now?

Does this dress make me look thin?

Oh look! People liked it when I said something kind of witty…now I have to wait until tomorrow and put up something else moderately witty, otherwise people will stop thinking I’m funny. And I wouldn’t want that.

How about now, does my life look perfect? Look at how much fun I’m having!

Aren’t you jealous? Wait, but not actually jealous, I don’t want you to really be jealous. You’re just joking jealous, right? Because, like, I promise, my life really isn’t that perfect or pretty or exciting. It just looks that way, because well, who is going to put up their ugly sh*t and air dirty laundry. I mean, we all have those friends that do, but no one wants to be like them. We talk sh*t about them, right? So here, take another picture of us smiling before we go back to talking about how much we hate our lives while eating our comfort food to get us through the fact that we don’t feel loved.

She looks better in that picture than me, so I won’t put it up. Well at least I won’t tag her. Dammit, someone tagged her. I should take it down. Should I take it down? No, that’s ridiculous.

Do I look fat in that bathing suit? Wait, am I worried about the fact that you’ve now all seen me half naked? Hmm, not really. Should I be? Probably. I feel weird about this now. Oh well. I’ll let it go. Here’s a picture of my puppy to compensate.

Nobody liked that post. Maybe no one saw it. Maybe I should delete it and post it again at a better time. Maybe people saw it and no one cared. Maybe they didn’t like it. Maybe they just didn’t care. Oh God, no one cares. I don’t even care. Wait, why do I care?

Hurry quick, someone tell me I look pretty, otherwise all of my insecurities will be validated and I’ll end up forever alone.